http://youtu.be/zncqb-n3zMo
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Dark thoughts and happy-place Arkansas
Tonight brings the dangerous feelings of contagion and apathy. Everything seems catching and deadly and I really don't care enough to prevent it. A dream I can't wake from. The feeling of deja-vu of lightheaded-ness as if coming from under a mild anesthetic all day now just milliseconds prior to the next catastrophe that is about to happen yet having no way to stop it.
Apathy brought about by conditioning like a rat in a metal cage. I scurry to a from being shocked and popped and made squeamish regardless of my response now. My fate seems sealed and I await the fianl dropping of the blade albeit a long and boring while, of years and perhaps decades, with my hooded head across the chopping block. I spend my life waiting for the executioner to arrive and it rains cold.
Anyway that's about the most cold blooded thing I could think of to write about. It is not cold in here. I am feeling pretty good tonight because I am safe and warm at home and it's almost time to retire for the evening. The above vignette is about the feeling I have had in the past. About the inability to get things going in a positive direction. Thanks to CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) models I have been able to slowly but surely turn my thinking around. I am still working on this but getting some of my most troubling thought down on paper and sharing them here in the blog makes me feel a lot better.
Basically I just learn to watch my thinking as a form of meditation. Slowly I replace the negative thinking with more positive thoughts. When I am doing things during the day I try the same thing. I remember watching certain ideas that I would like to change and when these ideas crop up during the day I remember how relaxed I was when I watched thee negative thoughts during meditation. I visualize the thought changing from a negative idea to a positive idea in my mind. It is a little like watching clouds change from one form to another. I have to admit that I don't always know what I am thinking. Just like one doesn't always know what a certain cloud looks like all the time.
The really difficult part is maintaining a relaxing happy place in the mind. Seriously. And then in a troubled moment remembering to go there when things get difficult in the real world. I mean I get so upset sometimes. Like this morning as I was returning from grocery shopping. Steam was probably rising from my bald head and I had forgotten to think of being in my happy place (somewhere in central Arkansas.) As soon as I did that I regained control and stopped freaking out. Within 30 seconds I was beginning to relax and I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal.
Apathy brought about by conditioning like a rat in a metal cage. I scurry to a from being shocked and popped and made squeamish regardless of my response now. My fate seems sealed and I await the fianl dropping of the blade albeit a long and boring while, of years and perhaps decades, with my hooded head across the chopping block. I spend my life waiting for the executioner to arrive and it rains cold.
Anyway that's about the most cold blooded thing I could think of to write about. It is not cold in here. I am feeling pretty good tonight because I am safe and warm at home and it's almost time to retire for the evening. The above vignette is about the feeling I have had in the past. About the inability to get things going in a positive direction. Thanks to CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) models I have been able to slowly but surely turn my thinking around. I am still working on this but getting some of my most troubling thought down on paper and sharing them here in the blog makes me feel a lot better.
Basically I just learn to watch my thinking as a form of meditation. Slowly I replace the negative thinking with more positive thoughts. When I am doing things during the day I try the same thing. I remember watching certain ideas that I would like to change and when these ideas crop up during the day I remember how relaxed I was when I watched thee negative thoughts during meditation. I visualize the thought changing from a negative idea to a positive idea in my mind. It is a little like watching clouds change from one form to another. I have to admit that I don't always know what I am thinking. Just like one doesn't always know what a certain cloud looks like all the time.
The really difficult part is maintaining a relaxing happy place in the mind. Seriously. And then in a troubled moment remembering to go there when things get difficult in the real world. I mean I get so upset sometimes. Like this morning as I was returning from grocery shopping. Steam was probably rising from my bald head and I had forgotten to think of being in my happy place (somewhere in central Arkansas.) As soon as I did that I regained control and stopped freaking out. Within 30 seconds I was beginning to relax and I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal.
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